BethsTrailMix

So the summer has gone well so far, well in a way.  I had people come to visit in June right before Mike and I went to go visit Eddie in Colorado.  We had a blast and it felt like I got along with Eddie, Amanda, and the kids.  Then I return to the rest of Mike's family.  No matter what I do, and no matter what I try to do, I still feel I will always be on the balancing board to see Katie will knock me off again.  Amanda mentioned something in Colorado, that it seems how harshly Mike's sisters talk to me about Amanda, they do the exact same thing to Amanda about me.  With all honesty I feel that I can trust Amanda.  She hasn't done anything that I can't trust her.  I've always wanted to be close to Katie and Ann because of how close I am to my family.  Since I am not close in distance to my family, I wanted to have close to the same relationship with Katie and Ann.  The more I somewhat try, the more I know that I will never amount to anything for them, and that they do believe that Mike could do a lot better than me.  I find out today by myspace, no less, that Katie's going to Disney, who knows if it's Disney World in Florida or Disney Land in California, with her kids and Ann.  Who knows who else is going or how they are actually going to pay for the vacation coming in February.  ESPECIALLY with Tony, Tailore's and Katie's birthdays then Christmas.  It just hurts, I know it shouldn't because I shouldn't worry about them.  But I just want a close relationship with Mike's family, especially during these years that we will be living in Illinois.  Guess I'll always be last in their lines. 

There was this one song that was played constantly while Mike and I were on our honeymoon.  I've heard it a few times since then, but much more recent as the Discovery Home channel is turning to Planet Green.  The song is also being used as the background music for the promotional commercials.  So after almost 10 months I finally found out the name of the song and who sang it.  Drove me nuts, here it is:  Mika - Love Today.

Google it and you'll understand why it's been driving me nuts because it has this crazy beat and crazy lyrics.

So this weekend, Mike and I will be traveling back to Ohio to update the family pictures.  So with this obvious trip back before changing apartments, I have been going through our closet and other areas to give to mom to try to sell in her next garage sale.  I've gone through most of the closet, now I've got to tackle the bedroom, which isn't a lot of things, then the closet and finally the kitchen.  It seems like a feet, but it isn't that much.  So I figure as long as I can finish it up today I can do other things this week.

Tomorrow, I'll finally get my Illinois plates for my car, do laundry.  Wednesday I can pack the items that we'll need over the weekend.  Then that would leave me all day Thursday to make sure the house is actually clean before we leave Friday morning.

So in reality I'm doing a bit of spring cleaning towards the end of the spring season.  By me doing this stuff now, it might make it easier when it comes to moving in July. 

I guess it's time to get off of my duff and get started.  Bye for now!

I actually started this entry two days ago.  I have tried to just let it pass, but certain things have happened since then, and I just can't let it be.

For those who don't know, I actually share a birthday with one of Mike's nieces, Autumn.  I thought that by sharing a birthday with one of his family members, especially one that is often estranged then I would be close with that family.  Like I always do with any of my family members, I sent her a card, and because she's a niece or nephew, she got a check.  We didn't hear anything of thanks which I somewhat accept because even for my own nieces and nephews I don't always hear that.

So two days ago I ventured on myspace like normal every day and viewed Mike's half sister's page with her pictures.  There I saw new pictures of Autumn's birthday party.  Didn't think much of it, because there were pictures of her friends and Ann's friends and family.  Then I came across pictures that included Katie, Tony, and Tailore.  Which is somewhat funny because supposedly Katie does not talk with Ann or do they get along.

Just hurt because I thought that Mike and I had a bond with Ann, not only because we never sided with Ann or Katie, but because of my birthday sharing with Autumn.  I talked with Mike about it last night and we both thought we had a better relationship with her than we apparently did. 

So like I said.  I tried to put that behind me like most of the events that I have to deal with concerning Mike's family.  I came home last night from running errands and therapy for my back and I came home to a hate filled instant message from Katie.

Let me clue you into the reason why behind the message.  Back on Labor Day of 2007, Mike and I had his family over for a BBQ and games.  That is when I gave Katie the bedding for Tailore, I had at college downtown, a cloud pattern bedding set.  I was selling it to her for $20 which she said she would give it to me.  Needless to say, she still has yet to give it to me.  She stopped using the bedding because she bought Tailore Hannah Montana bedding. 

Last weekend I went back to Ohio to help my mom with a garage sale she was having.  So I was hoping to take that cloud bedding to Ohio to sell it.  So the week before the garage sale, I had asked Katie to get it together for me so that either Mike could pick it up or I could get it while waiting on Mike to get off of work.

So I waiting at Mike's parents place after therapy for my back until Mike got off work.  There I found the bedding dirty with stains and one of the sheets missing.  Teresa said that she would look for the sheet, and didn't look for it until I was mentioning that I was wanting to leave.  She also asked if I was going to take the bedding, which I replied to no because I wanted to make sure that all of the items were together before I took it from the place.

Didn't think anything of it because a full week had gone by.  Then I return last night like I said previously and this is the exact message that Katie left for me:  Katie (4/30/2008 6:34:37 PM): THANKS FOR NOT TAKING THE BLANKET SET , SINCE I WENT OUT OF MY WAY AND STAYED UP LATE WHEN I HAD TO BE AT WORK AT 7AM , I DONT KNOW WHERE THE OTHER SHEET IS MAYBE BRIAN TOOK IT WHEN HE MOVED , AND I DONT HAVE TIME TO CHECK WITH HIM, AND DONT CHOOSE TO SINCE MY NIGHT ARE FULL OF DOING THINGS FOR MY KIDS.

Katie always seems to blame other people for problems that she comes across.  I'm tired of dealing with her.  Has anyone had to deal with an in-law this vicious in trying to come between you and your spouse?  Anyone care to give me advice for this on going problem that is taking its toll?

So I have come to the conclusion that no matter what I do, and no matter what I try, I will never be a part of Mike's family like he is mine.

Talk about shock.  I looked into my bank account and there was a substantial deposit made.  I knew it wasn't anything Mike or I did so I called my parents.  Turns out a member of the church gave mom a check for Mike and I for our bills this month.  I love this lady and the fact that she gave us $1,000.00 touches my heart and made me cry.

That wasn't the only amount in our account.  The total deposit assures us that we only have to come up with another hundred dollars for all of our bills to be paid this month.

I truly love my family and friends.

A few days have passed since my heart pouring entry and I feel that my worries have lightened.  Friday came and we went to visit Mike's friend Jenny and Johnny as they had just bought a new puppy.  After hanging out for a few hours, we stopped at block buster for movies to keep us entertained throughout the week.  By the time we got job, Mike went to bed, as he was not interested in watching Atonement.  After emotions from the night brought me just not in the mood to watch the movie, I turned everything off and joined Mike in bed. 

While cuddling, we talked about events that occurred that night and finally I told Mike of my worries that filled my prior entry.  It felt good in being able to tell him as he knew that something had been bothering me all week.  He had confessed that he too, had the same worries only a few months prior.  Since that night, it feels so much easier in a way. 

However, the other way it still stressful.  Mike had inquired with me if my parents had thought or even planned on mentioning our struggles to the church.  They had mentioned that we needed prayers as we were facing difficult times.  I had talked to Mom on Saturday asking her to see if they could help.  I had grown up in that church and done so much for it.  I don't like the fact that I am asking for help, but with me off for two full weeks, it has set us back an entire month.  Our bills will be late if not very late.  I sincerely hope that the church decides to help me this once as I have helped it since transferring my church membership.  We shall see.

Everyone has days where it is trying on you either, physical, mental, or emotionally.  Lately I've been having to deal with all of them.  Do you know that if things actually stayed its course last year, I would be getting married this Saturday?  I, of all people know how much change can happen in just one year. 

Physically I am dealing with back pain from an injury that occurred at work.  Mentally, I am dealing with choices that have been made over the past year.  Emotionally I am drained because of the recent results of those decisions.

Last year, I didn't have a care in the world.  I had finally found my bridal gown after months of looking, and was working out twice a week with a group of friends from church.  I was slowly making decisions on what I wanted my wedding to look like.  Because I for one, never thought about my wedding growing up.  With my brother being the only one truly around, I was a tomboy.  With rules from my mom, it pretty much enforced the idea of being a tomboy.  I was taking my time with decisions, because I wanted the wedding to be a vision of Mike and I, not one of other people.

In a few weeks, it will be a year that I told Mike it was okay to move up the wedding date, so that his brother could attend.  Since that eventful night, I have dealt with so much making today a reality.  I had to deal with repercussions from parents about moving the date up, mummers from people in wondering the real reason why we moved it up in wonder if we were pregnant, fights with friends over bridesmaids issues, and money issues. 

In order to make sure Mike had his license the day of our wedding, we settled one of his former debts and charged it to a credit card.  The very credit card that we put the last minute wedding items on, along with the gifts for the bridal party, and our honeymoon.  I had to convince my parents that it was worth while and that we could do it.  Dad wasn't the difficult one, but obviously my mom was if anyone knows her.  Mike's parents were a little more difficult.  Originally they weren't going to come, because they didn't know if they were going to have the funds available.  Started off a tense situation with everything.  Finally they came around.  Other people finally came around in realizing that I, indeed was not pregnant.  (And still not).  Sorry people, no gossip here.

Fights with friends over the bridesmaids issues caused tears when there shouldn't have been.  I made the decision to try to help out my girls to save money in getting the dress I wanted by having a friend from college to duplicate the dresses.  The dresses arrived less than a week before the wedding and in horrible shape.  The money that was paid to the girl, I was now in charge of getting portions back.  That alone, has made me feel like I've lost friendships.

Money is the root of ALL evil.  By moving up the wedding, it resulted Mike and I being in debt with credit cards.  The purchases are all valid.  They were items that were needed and we knew no one could help us.  We took on part of the wedding bills, because my parents never saved any money for my eventual wedding.  If we didn't open up a credit card to do so, the wedding wouldn't have happened.  Good thing I have a good credit score. 

So here I lay on my couch in my apartment.  Drained because I have been crying for a good two hours.  I have a "job" that when hired they promised me 20-30 hours a week with no problem.  Now I'm lucky if I get 18.  I injured myself there so I'm finishing up my medical leave.  I am able to return to work on Friday.  At the "job" I am treated horribly.  People are rude to me, belittle me in front of customers, some don't even talk to me, or they stick me with the horrible jobs which is mainly doing ALL of the dishes.  I hate going, and don't want to continue working there, but have to because we need the extra income to have the final necessities: money for food, and gasoline.   Mike's said over and over that he'd love me to quit, but until I am able to get a break and get a full time job, I'm stuck. 

I have applied to every full-time job you can think of.  I send out my resume to at least four places every day, and have done so since December.  It's March, and I'm still at a job where I have to take off my wedding bands in order for them to stay nice looking and not get gunked up by food leftovers.

Mike has been promised the next promotion of Assistant Store Manger in October or November.  Can't remember which month, but it still hasn't come.  The person who was in charge of giving out the promotion quit last month.  So it will be at least six months at the VERY earliest that we might actually see that promotion.  Once Mike gets the promotion everything will be so much easier.  So much easier even if I am still stuck at my "job", but tons easier if I ever get my break.  I actually had an interview for a job today, but I'm not expecting much out of it. 

I'm to the point of all of these let downs from jobs that I am not expecting anything anymore.  That's a bad thing.  I'm horribly homesick.  I have cupboards full of food, but not hungry because Mike's never here.  He pulls extra hours to bring home his max hours of 40 hours a week.  I'm lonely because I feel like I have no friends.  The friendships that I did have prior to the wedding have seemed to disappear.  When I go back to Ohio, I don't feel any connection.  I hate that feeling.  I hate knowing that every penny that comes from our paychecks go to bills.  Once a month if we're lucky Mike takes me out to eat. 

I really hate thinking it as it is the reason why I have been crying to night, but I wish I didn't move up the wedding.  I wish I could rewind to that night I was talking to Mike over the phone and agreed to move it up.  If I hadn't, I wouldn't have gained the weight plus more that I lost for the wedding, we wouldn't be nearly $20,000 in debt with the balance being from mistakes made from me, gasoline when we had no money, presents for attendants or Christmas.  We wouldn't be living in an apartment building that we hate.  We wouldn't have our bodies rumbling from the sub woofer from the neighbors below us or hearing the buzzing from the "tattoo parlor" across the hall.  I wouldn't be scared to go outside by myself.

Granted, I wouldn't have the memories of the honeymoon, I wouldn't be able to see Mike everyday, I wouldn't have all these memories that we have occurred.

I really hate to say it, but I wish it never happened.  I hate this feeling of knowing I don't have any extra money.  I hate not being able to see Mike often without him being exhausted.  I hate feeling like I have no friends.  I feel sooo disconnected from my family and the friends that I did have.  Mike's family is completely different.  There's no way I can ever consider them family because of how they treat me. 

I'm not saying that I would forgo the whole wedding all together.  No, I love Mike and I just look over the shortfalls of his family, particularly some of his siblings.  I would just choose to get married this weekend.  I would get married with items paid with cash that had been saved. 

I was crying in bed and Mike kept asking why.  There's no way I can tell him.  He'd feel worse that the dirt of the earth.  There's absolutely no way I can tell him.  I was the one who said we'd move up the wedding.  For that reason alone, these are the problems that I created. 

The bad thing is, that my faith is wavering.  Why would God let things bad for this long.  We are just barely staying above water with very little room before we go under.  I really don't like thinking this, but seriously, why?  I'm not holding out much hope which is sad, because it's my favorite word.  Hope . . .

After thought:  I can't remember the last time I laughed . . . sad, but true

What is your favorite quote and why?

"Hope guides me.  It is what gets me through the day and especially the night.  The hope that after you're gone from my sight, it will not be the last time I look upon you." is my favorite quote because it is especially true now since I live so far away from my family.  I love them and hope that after I leave from our visit, I will see them again.

Okay so I'm in pain.  Not just in physical but emotional as well.  I went to work on Monday like scheduled.  I stayed an hour later to help out the two girls because we had been so busy that the store was a mess.  While I was doing the mountain of dishes, my back began to hurt.  Didn't think anything of it, because if you know me, you know I've always had a bad back.  Well got home from work and the back was still sore along with my legs, so I gave myself a nice bubble bath thinking that I would be fine.  Later on in bed, I was getting constant back spasms.   Here I am with a few days passed and it's still pretty bad.  I've called my doctor to see if I should wait and see her tomorrow, or if I should go to the hospital tonight.  I would go to the hospital by myself if I needed to so that Mike would haven't to deal with it, but who knows if I'll be able to drive afterwards. 

Emotional brings in the fact that I am still working at Subway bringing minimum wage home.  It wouldn't be all that bad, but I'm not bringing home my share.  Mike's promotion has been put on ice get again because his district manager quit.  So we won't see that raise in his bring home for another six months at the very earliest.  So I need that break to come that I've been waiting on to come sooner rather than later.  We've been so tight with our funds that it's been very difficult to do anything besides pay our bills. 

I hate to say it, but I'm putting myself out there.  If anyone needs a website designed for them, please send them my way.  We could really use the help. 

So this past weekend Mike and I went back to Ohio to relax along with have some fun times.  With Mike working overnights on the stupid team for work that he supposedly signed up for.  Since we were wanting to leave early on Friday, we rented a hotel room near the store he would be working at Thursday night.  It was a nice reprieve.  King-sized bed, jacuzzi tub, free internet, and cable.  The tub was wonderful, just couldn't figure out how to work the jets until we left Friday morning.  Duh....  LOL

Friday night, we had Taco Salad with Joe and Jenny's family for dinner.  It was a fun evening that showcased a new dessert I wanted to try.  Amazingly enough it was easy and just as delicious as it looked.  Mike and I ended up leaving their house around 12:30am because we were all having fun playing Sports on the Wii.  It was so funny watching cute Josie playing baseball.  That little girl is the cutest thing.  She is a main reason why Mike and I want to have one of our own.

Saturday night, we had plans with Teri and Chad to eat dinner at an area Mexican restaurant.  Turned out, that Kath and David joined us.  It was a fun night with everyone talking about recent activities, job problems and possibilities.  All in all it was a fun dinner with siblings.  We head back to Kath's house for more talking and relaxing.  Rachel and Alec were there and slowly played our Wii that we brought with us. 

Sunday brought church and relaxing.  After church brought lunch at China Garden with Kath's family and the Fugate's.  Mom and Dad were going down to meet Jon and Angie to view a house that they are thinking of buying.  We were invited to go, but we felt that since it was a parents only request, we would just be in the way or bring awkward conversation stops.  So instead we looked around the north end of Sidney for ideas for the future then back to the house for laundry. 

After waking up from a nap, I was able to get all in but one load before heading out for dinner with Mike.  Well dinner at Wendy's proved to be a bad decision that was made obvious at 2:30 in the morning with intense stomach that took me to the rim of the toilet.  It wouldn't have been so bad if Mike and I weren't planning on leaving between 9 and 10.  By the time I was able to stand the slowing of the pain, it was past 4.  We finally got up near 11 I believe.  Everything was packed in the car and we got ready to leave.  Problem - battery turned up to be shot.

We got a jump from AAA and had enough juice to get to the mechanic who was able to get us in.  My parents paid the bill which has helped out in more than they know.  All day, I had a nagging feeling that I would have been scheduled to work even though I had asked for the time off since I'd be in Ohio.  Eventually we had things set up and just waiting that I decided to call work and get my schedule for the week.  Talk about frustration.  They had me scheduled on Monday just like I was fearing, from 4-8.  Supposedly the district manager forgot about the final day on my requested off.  They also scheduled me on Tuesday from 4-8, but that was it.  Again, the district manager again supposedly forgot to take off my requested days off from the previous week's schedule.  By the time we left, it was just past 4 in the afternoon and Mike and I were exhausted emotionally, physically, and financially. 

We pulled in our apartment complex around 10:30 at night.  We were okay with it because we missed all of the rush hours, and we didn't hit the bad weather that we were supposed to get.  So needless to say, I'm pursuing a different job big time right now so that I can quit Subway hopefully before I am supposed to work next.  Pray for me and hope that I will have a job that I don't cry about going to before having to go.